I am still mourning the death of my grandmother. Every time I have moments to myself, I think of her. Every beautiful song that I hear, I cry. Put both instances together… and I’m a mess. The last meltdown was yesterday. I was at the studio for several hours painting the front porch. I had k-love on the radio. I had time to think; I had time to praise; I had time to pick apart that day we let her go. “Cry Out to Jesus” by Third Day came on. And the next thing I knew, I was on the ground sobbing, a mess of tears and snot. (I’m laughing about it now) But the pain (which I have never felt before for anyone) made me think about my grandpa. He and Grandma would have celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary this past week. And I can’t imagine how he’s feeling, to have lost the love of his life so abruptly. I decided that I should write him a letter… and expressing myself here is the start of that. May it all be a part of the healing process.
I am also distraught over Ben. I just don’t know him any more. He stole money from a friend; he’s disobeying, lying, talking back, sneaking around; he’s being so mean to Evan. As punishments, he’s lost toys and privileges. I even took away the door to his room. We’re not sure what he’s going through, but I hope it’s a phase that ends very quickly. We just can’t have him acting like this and being disrespectful when school starts! Praying for him constantly…
And Evan’s two (terrible 2!); Nathan and I seem to be too busy for each other; walking pneumonia had me down and out for almost a week. It’s all been just a little too much. 
Whew! Dirty laundry and obstacles! Now, where am I finding my joy?
I LOVE my new studio! I LOVE my job! I hardly bring any income home to help my family, but it gives me such great reward and such self-worth. Photography is now such a big part of me. My clients and partner-in-crime (Emily) make me smile. My images bring me joy. I am so grateful for this opportunity to serve our community and serve God.
Now, if the rest of my life could get back on track… 
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It will all come together very soon. Your alone time at the studio might serve as your time to reflect back on all the beautiful memories of your grandmother. As for your boys, what I’m learning is that the difficult stages get less difficult as each one passes. I think once you get things all set up at the new studio, you will find more time for you and your honey! I will be praying for you and the fam!
It’s a lot to take on all at once. Take a break when you can. Let your boys take care of you. And enjoy your JOY!
It is a lot at once.
And right in the middle of this we happened to have a “Camp Granmom” scheduled, which would have been such a blessing. But Nathan’s mom was suffering with a herniated disc in her neck and had to cancel… and she won’t be able to reschedule any time. It breaks my heart that she was in so much pain… and that I didn’t get that week to myself.
I’m so sorry. Anything I can do?
Praying that God will help you.
Parenting doesn’t get any easier. I think the most important is stick to your guns and never give in. I read something the other day that I think pertains to children more mine’s age, but you will get the drift… “if your children tell you they hate you then you are doing a good job.” The good times will come back.
Hang in there Amy…. there is always a purpose, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
I will keep you in my prayers. There is always hope. Bless you!
Hang in there Amy… Granny B is looking down at ya, your Angel in Heaven watching over you!! She was an awesome lady!!
Praying for you…
I know the terrible loss you feel. It does get better with time.